Does the mere mention of the word “in-laws” or “mother-in-law” increase your blood pressure to possibly dangerous levels? Are you having difficulty in knowing how to get along with the in-laws in your family to the point where you really just want to know how to get rid of your mother-in-law, sister-in-law or other family members?
Your in-laws are a crucial part of your spouse’s life. This makes them a crucial part of your life as well. No one ever said it was easy to balance your needs with the needs of others – especially the needs of an entire new family. But creating family harmony is possible – and it’s very much worth the effort.
You realize it won’t be easy to build bridges – and rebuild some that have been burnt – but you also realize that it’s a valuable way to spend your time. The return you get on your investment will last the rest of your married life. Here are some ideas to get you started.
Work with your spouse
This is the key rule. Dealing effectively with in-laws all starts with first working conflicts through with your spouse. Remember, you’re in this together. Never put your spouse in a situation where he or she has to choose between you and a relative. Instead, try to understand the bond your spouse has with his or her parents, grandparents and siblings. If possible, try to support that relationship. Even if your spouse has parents from hell, they are his or her parents.
Set boundaries and limits
No candy before meal times for the kids? No loans for in-laws? With your spouse, decide what’s important and what’s not. Working as a team, set your family values. Then communicate your values to your in-laws. All of your values and all of your in-laws. Speaking of boundaries, don’t make promises that you can’t keep.
Enforce the boundaries and limits
Without being as inflexible as a teenager, stick to your guns. For example, if you don’t want drop-in-company, tell your in-laws that you’d prefer that they call before they show up at your doorstep. If they ignore you, don’t answer the door the next time they just happen to drop-by. Even if they do have a plateful of delightful curry puffs!
Communicate directly
Whenever possible, avoid communicating through a third party. Don’t ask your spouse to talk to his sister about something she did that hurt your feelings. Talk to your sister-in-law directly.
If something bothers you, address it as soon as possible. Sometimes it’s a genuine problem; other times, it might be a misunderstanding.
Know yourself
Shakespeare said it many years ago, and the advice still holds today: Don’t try to remake yourself into the person your in-laws want. For example, what if they’re looking for little Susie Homemaker and you’re a high-powered corporate attorney? You’re under no obligation on your day off to bake bread and churn your own butter. Get a manicure and call for some take-out instead.
Get with the program
Not every father-in-law lives to snake out your kitchen sink; not every mother-in-law dreams of baking cookies with her grandchildren. Put away the stereotypes and adjust your thinking to the reality of the situation. Don’t expect what people can’t deliver.
Learn to cool off
Many times, the best thing to do is nothing. Time heals many wounds. While we’re at it, play nice. Spare your in-laws the insults and character attacks.
Be matured
Your parents have to love you; it’s in the contract. But your in-laws don’t. Accept the fact that your in-laws aren’t your parents and won’t follow the same rules. Try to think “different” — not “better” or “worse.” To make this work, give in on small points and negotiate the key issues.
Learn to see the situation from your in-law’s point of view. And even if you don’t agree, act like a big person. For example, you hate beef and never eat it; therefore you rarely cook it at home. But every time you visit your mother-in-law with your hubby for dinner, she would make beef pies, beef stew and roast beef! Try to see that your mother-in-law was probably trying to please her poor beef-deprived son. No big deal – have something to eat at home before you visit her.
Be kind
Even if you have to grit your teeth, try to say something nice. And if you really can’t say anything nice, shut up and smile.
Keep your sense of humor
A very dear friend tells this story: “When I was pregnant with my first child, my father-in-law bought me a special gift: My very own funeral plot. Why a funeral plot?’ I asked him. ‘Well,’ he replied, ‘you might not make it through the birth and I thought you should be prepared.’” I probably would have slugged the codger upside his head; my friend, in contrast, laughed and thanked him for his gift. P.S. She and all her children are fine.
