I recently hosted a parenting show that required me at the studio for five full days of recording. Part of the program includes a game show, in which parents and their infants were to compete against another parent/baby team. Suffice to say, the studio was chaotic with bubbly laughter or piercing cries.
It was tiring (because we had to adhere to the little one’s sleeping/eating patterns – so we couldn’t necessarily complete one episode as planned, and had to skip from one episode to another and back) but because these little munchkins were most of the time adorable to boot(ies), I had a fun time regardless.
On the fourth day of recording, I come home late when Lina my maid says to me, “Mam, Isobel ada jalan hari ini!” (Mam, Isobel walked today)
I shrieked in delight and stopped short when I saw my 10-month old baby girl, sleeping peacefully in her cot.
“Macamana dia jalan?” I whispered to Lina.
And so my maid demonstrates the little princess’s journey from being “four-legged” to two. I clap in delight and I bend down to sniff my girl.
“Mummy’s so proud of you Bel!”
I linger and stare at her. She has changed so much. Her eyes are much bigger now and she has such beautiful lashes. I take her thumb out from her mouth only to hear her grunt and pop it right back.
My maid offers to take my handbag and “on shoot luggage bag” from me; I realized I have been staring at Bel for a good 10 minutes without putting down my stuff.
Perhaps it was the sheer tiredness of non-stop recording, late nights, early mornings – but a sudden feeling of sadness overwhelmed me.
“I always miss your ‘first’ kan Bel?”
I bend down and kiss her nose.
Removing my makeup, shoulders slumped and mascara running – I look at the crying 30-year old in front of me. I remember talking to the hubby when I missed her first word. It ended up being a heated debate on him practically (pun intended) telling me, that I can’t have a career without sacrificing some things in life. I remember agreeing to his honest opinion and me being totally angry with myself.
“I was on shoot having fun with other parent’s babies, and I miss my own daughter’s first steps… perfect!”
I know of mothers who have decided to be full-time housewives and are happy being where they are. One of my best friends shared with me on why he and his wife decided to do what they did. I didn’t share that predicament, as I have (Thank God), an excellent maid whom I trust with all my heart. I know another bestie who’s wife will stop work, at least for 2 years so she can be a full-time mum, if and when she is pregnant with their first child. My husband said I had to make the choice. And I have decided to work. I am a career woman. That’s that. Have I made the wrong choice?
There’s no two way about it, some say. Others argue that you CAN successfully have a career AND be a responsible mother. But success is subjective. I remove the last trace of makeup that masked my imperfections on my face. I stare at myself in nudity.
“Lord, I pray to you… with all my heart, baring myself in the same state when I was born (only less innocent)… what should I do? I feel awful not being with her 24/7… and I know if we tighten our belts, Ryan can afford our household… so what should I do? Guide me Lord, for I am just your mere servant in this temporary world that we live in”.
I make the sign of the cross and get up. I hear my pumpkin’s laughter as she rouses from her sleep. I put a towel on and rush to see her. My maid has placed her on our carpet and urges Bel to walk.
“Tunjuk mama!”
Bel flashes her tiny teeth and balances herself as Lina lets go of her grasp.
She stands and slowly walks towards me, (as I scrambled for my Blackberry to hurriedly snap a photo) only to fall flat on her bum-bum after three steps.
I look up and thank Him for the sign.
Even if I don’t see her first, there’s always the second time around. Or the third.
My mum once told me, parenting is a journey and it won’t stop even when Isobel gets married. Enjoy being a mother to her, but also make sure you are a contented mother too in all aspects.
I absolutely agree with her. Enough said.
