FEEDBACK: the inevitable result when the baby doesn’t appreciate the strained carrots.

FULL NAME: what you call your child when you’re mad at him or her.

GRANDPARENTS: the people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.

HEARSAY: what toddlers do when anyone says a dirty word.

INDEPENDENT: how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say

OW: the first word spoken by children with an older brother or sister

PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours

STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby’s pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby’s pacifier by blowing on it and wiping it with your saliva.

TOP BUNK: where you should never punt a child wearing Superman pyamas.

TWO-MINUTE WARNING: when the baby’s face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

VERBAL: able to whine in words

WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house

Recently visiting my hometown, I ran into Bev, a classmate I had not seen in years. We updated each other on careers, marriages, children, and found common ground discussing the joys and hardships of being the single parent of a teenager. She admitted the decisions she made and advice she gave as a mother were based on hope and instinct rather than any certainty of what was best. I agreed, but said our parents probably felt the same way — and we hadn’t turned out too badly. “Yeah,” she replied. “But we had real parents. Our kids just have us.” I understood exactly what she meant. -John R. Griffin

When I went into labor, I notified my parents and they rushed to the hospital. They arrived before my husband and were ushered into the room where I was being monitored. The doctor came in and, motioning to Dad, asked, “Is this the husband?” “Oh, no,” Dad blurted out. “I’m the father!” -Theresa Correll

Ahead of me in line at San Francisco’s Pier 41 waiting to purchase tickets for a boat trip to Alcatraz was a couple with three children. Bored with the delay, the kids were fidgeting and punching one another while their parents reprimanded them to no avail. Finally they reached the ticket window. “Five tickets, please,” the father said. “Two round trip, three one way.” -Frances Johnson

I spend my evenings in my studio sculpting busts of kings and queens. I had just put the finishing touches on Nefertiti when my eight-year-old daughter came in. She looked at the unusually large headdress, smiled in recognition and said, “Oh, it’s Marge Simpson!” -Donna Diamond

Teaching my six-year-old daughter the days of the week, I asked her if she had any questions. “Yes,” she replied. “Why is there more week than weekend?” -Carrie Aiello

The rain was drumming down on the tin roof of our camper. After a while, my six-year-old son asked, “Mommy, what’s that noise?” “Rain, dear,” I answered, “on the roof.” “Santa?” he asked incredulously. “In the summer?” -Nadyne Greschner

We had a pesky problem with ants in the house, but I didn’t realize how bad it was until one day when I was in the backyard with my four-year-old son. “Look, Dad,” he said, pointing, “an ant got out of the house!” -Kirk Heisler

My husband and I often took turns at bedtime lying down with our toddler, Stephen, to help him go to sleep. One evening after my husband had been in our son’s room for about half an hour, I was surprised to see Stephen come tiptoeing quietly into the living room. “It’s okay, Mom,” he informed me proudly, “Dad’s asleep now.” -Jennifer Trapnell

I looked out the window to check on my daughter, Jodie, and some neighbourhood children who were playing in the backyard. I noticed them running toward the house and could see Jodie holding one bloodied hand with the other. In a panic, I ran out of the house to meet her. Mistaking my look of concern, Jodie quickly assured me: “Don’t worry, Mom, it’s not paint.” -Patsy Palmer

For months our family had been preoccupied with my search for a job. One day my husband told our three boys that to make things easier for me, he was going to draw up a list of jobs for them. They were silent for a moment before our six-year-old asked, “When are the interviews?” -Brenda Cobb

Our family of five was travelling by car from British Columbia to Ontario. On our third day, we stopped for dinner at a restaurant in Alberta. A man sitting at a neighbouring table asked my five-year-old son where we lived. “We used to live in a house,” he replied, “but now we live in the car.” -Betsy McClure

After we moved to a new community, we decided to send our children to Sunday school for the first time. Our eight-year-old daughter was ecstatic, but our ten-year-old son wasn’t at all happy. After much coaxing, he finally agreed to give it a try. “But,” he informed us darkly, “if there’s even one math question, I’ll quit!” -Terri Perrin

My ten-year-old daughter was reciting the Ten Commandments but became stuck after Thou shalt not kill, Thou shalt not steal, and Honour thy father and thy mother. After a pause, however, she continued, “Thou shalt not drink and drive.” -Patricia Hunt

My wife was getting ready for her first major business trip. As the time for departure drew nearer, things got quite emotional. Our family huddled together, and Holly told the children that she loved them very much and that she was going to miss them. Then suddenly her eyes filled with tears. Our five-year-old son, clutching his favourite blanket, grew concerned. He looked up at his mother and said, “Would you like to take my blanket with you?” -Marcel J. C. Ulliac

When a birthday card arrived from his grandmother, my six-year-old son held it unopened, staring at his name. “Who’s it from?” he wondered. “Look up in the corner of the envelope,” I suggested. After a moment, he exclaimed, “It’s from the Queen!” -Lorraine Zettler

While I was putting my reluctant five-year-old to bed one evening, he looked up at me and said accusingly, “I know what you and Dad do at night when I’m in bed.” Rather taken aback by this statement, I asked what he meant. “You eat all the good stuff,” he replied. -Laura Best

As an Ontario provincial policeman, I was extremely proud when my three-year-old son stated that he was going to be a policeman when he grew up. “If you’re going to be a policeman,” my wife replied, “you’re going to be an educated policeman.” “No,” he replied emphatically, “I’m going to be a provincial policeman!” -Rainer I. Edward

I realized just how environmentally conscious my seven-year-old daughter was when I tried to explain to her what organ donation was. When I finished, she said: “Oh, I understand. It’s like… recycling!” -Glenna Cairnie

After stopping at the pet store to pick up supplies for Whiskey, their dog, my sister-in-law, Kay, and her young daughter, Sheila, went to the supermarket. At the checkout, Kay couldn’t figure out why she didn’t have enough money to pay for the groceries. “Don’t you remember, Mom?” Sheila reminded her in a loud voice. “You spent all your money on Whiskey.” -Gerry McCallum

“I’m not going to wear this shirt to church!” declared my six-year-old son, Cameron. I insisted he wear it and said he could change when we got home. Cameron then tried to enlist his father’s support. When that failed, Cameron informed me that after church he’d be running away. “Why wait?” I asked. “I’m not going to run away in this shirt!” he exclaimed. -Debbie Innis

It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5 year old son. The doctor instructed the boy to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver her baby.

The boy did as he was told, the mother pushed and after a little while the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.

The doctor then asked the boy what he thought of the baby.

“Hit him again”, the 5 year old said, “He shouldn’t have crawled upt there in the first place!”

When the mother came out of her coma to find she had given birth and that her brother had named the twins, she became very worried, because he wasn’t a very clever guy. She was sure that he had named them something absurd or stupid.

When she saw her brother, she asked him about the twins.

He said: “The first one was a girl.”

The mother: “What did you name her?”

Brother: “Denise!”

The mom: “Oh, wow, that’s not bad at all! What about the second one?”

Brother: “The second one was a boy.”

The mom: “What did you name him?”

Brother: “Denephew!”

One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. This 6 year old boy was clearly impressed, but didn’t say anything. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the upcoming birth.

The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said: “Zaini, what has become of that baby brother or sister that you were expecting at home?”

Zaini burst into tears and confessed: “I think mommy ate it!”

The couple got curious and wondered what the stamp was for. So, when they got home, the husband got his magnifying glass to see what it was.

In very tiny letters, the stamp said: “When you can read this, come back and see me.”

“Is this her first child?”, the doctor asks.

“No, you idiot!”, the man shouts in the phone,”This is her husband!!”